Beautiful, depraved

Intimacy. Debauchery. Irreverence.

Sunday, January 15, 2006

Something epic

I ran into an ex-lover a few weeks ago. A significant ex-lover. His name, in a beautiful Arab script, is tattooed on my belly. He was something of a mentor to me. I have had a few Bill-Beatrix Kiddo type relationships – wise, older, teacher-type men. Very confident, alpha male, cosmic shaper men who I could actually surrender to and learn from. I like to feel that my growth is being accelerated in my relationships – that I’m not just hanging out, pausing, seeking comfort. Whenever I try to have conventional boyfriend type relationships, they usually end messily and in retrospect seem like a waste of my time.


Opened me. If there was something taboo, we explored it. Any fear I had, he drew it out into the open to expel it. When I saw him last month, I could feel that there was still something to explore between us. We weren’t finished yet. He can play big. And, as I like to say: Go big or go home.

So, it was with some apprehension, excitement, that I spent a week thinking about it and finally called him today. Because…?? It is like getting on a train and I’m surrendering some control, letting life lead me instead of me navigating every turn. I’ll let someone else guide at times because at some core level I really trust him. I gave myself to him like I have no other and he helped sculpt and free my passion and courage. So. I don’t know. Anything could happen. That’s what he used to say to me: “It’s beautiful not to know.”

Soundtrack: “So lift those heavy eyes/
People say that you’ll die/
Faster than without water

Artist: The Arcade Fire
Album: Funeral
Track: Rebellion (Lies) (via

Which is what I’m hoping for. To shed old skin and take on new ones, ever more beautiful, ever more heartfelt and raw.

P.S. You’ll notice the proliferation of Arcade Fire. I’m in love with them right now. A reviewer (E.A Solinas) on Amazon summed them up: “Wild, mad and beautiful.” Sounds like a nice life.

Saturday, January 14, 2006

Twenty moments of seduction

I believe in the power of the moment. The moment as a portal,
a blueprint for future possibility. A life can begin in a single moment, and end in another one. A decision I make right now can change the course of my entire life. Life is best, at its most acute, when we recognize the power of those moments to alter our course. We rise up to meet a challenge, dare to go for something we really want. I think the art and skill of living an extremely fulfilling life lies in the acted upon courage of those moments.

Hence we embark upon Twenty Moments of Seduction. Little coup d’etats of attraction, of being led over the resistance threshold, the precursors to “Yes.” A collection for you. Starting with:

A moment of truth. (About the author)

“I like sleeping with somebody”
- Anon, 12th century AD

I like sleeping with somebody
It’s nicest when my husband is
In a foreign country
And there’s rain in the streets at night
And wind
And nobody

Translated from Sanskrit

"The anxiety of falling in love could only find repose in bed."

It's a quote from One Hundred Years of Solitude. Osho also said: Make love first, ask questions later. These days I am tending to agree with this sentiment more and more. If I am sexually incompatible with someone, we are incompatible, period. I’m not sure if this is because: 1) Sex is the core expression of who we are and at that fundamental level there exists a map, roads I can follow. I can take that as a symbolic reflection of where we can go together outside of the bedchamber. Or 2) Sex is the glue. I find that a lot can be worked out sexually. The tussle as therapy, wordless communication. After a couple of hours of lovemaking, tension is diffused, we are reconnected at some primal, cellular level and we can speak from a higher place. Our lovemaking has swept clear loads of debris that might have taken hours of conversation to get to. A shortcut to the soul.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006


I’ve been wondering from what perspective to write this blog. From a place of distance, dispensing information? Then I was thinking, that all I’m really craving, all I think anyone’s really craving, is intimacy. Something real and honest and raw.

I want to feel closer to you, not further apart.

So that would mean, I’d write from a place of vulnerability. Everyone wants a moment that will shake them up. A moment when you realize that you can change your world, you are poised on the edge of something important, something risky. So that is what I hope to offer you. Moments that will shake you up so that the universe opens itself to you, just a crack, as I do, and suddenly in the revelation, we’re not so alone anymore.

Soundtrack: "Looking for someone to trust/
Without a fight"

Artist: Joseph Arthur
Album: Redemption's Son
Track: Honey and the Moon (via