Beautiful, depraved

Intimacy. Debauchery. Irreverence.

Sunday, January 15, 2006

Something epic

I ran into an ex-lover a few weeks ago. A significant ex-lover. His name, in a beautiful Arab script, is tattooed on my belly. He was something of a mentor to me. I have had a few Bill-Beatrix Kiddo type relationships – wise, older, teacher-type men. Very confident, alpha male, cosmic shaper men who I could actually surrender to and learn from. I like to feel that my growth is being accelerated in my relationships – that I’m not just hanging out, pausing, seeking comfort. Whenever I try to have conventional boyfriend type relationships, they usually end messily and in retrospect seem like a waste of my time.


Opened me. If there was something taboo, we explored it. Any fear I had, he drew it out into the open to expel it. When I saw him last month, I could feel that there was still something to explore between us. We weren’t finished yet. He can play big. And, as I like to say: Go big or go home.

So, it was with some apprehension, excitement, that I spent a week thinking about it and finally called him today. Because…?? It is like getting on a train and I’m surrendering some control, letting life lead me instead of me navigating every turn. I’ll let someone else guide at times because at some core level I really trust him. I gave myself to him like I have no other and he helped sculpt and free my passion and courage. So. I don’t know. Anything could happen. That’s what he used to say to me: “It’s beautiful not to know.”

Soundtrack: “So lift those heavy eyes/
People say that you’ll die/
Faster than without water

Artist: The Arcade Fire
Album: Funeral
Track: Rebellion (Lies) (via

Which is what I’m hoping for. To shed old skin and take on new ones, ever more beautiful, ever more heartfelt and raw.

P.S. You’ll notice the proliferation of Arcade Fire. I’m in love with them right now. A reviewer (E.A Solinas) on Amazon summed them up: “Wild, mad and beautiful.” Sounds like a nice life.