Beautiful, depraved

Intimacy. Debauchery. Irreverence.

Sunday, March 01, 2009

Getting back in touch

Hello there.

I've been awfully remiss in writing lately. debauchette and I have been focused on getting things together to launch fgt, which is set to go live mid-March (insert breath holding here). She refers to this project as our "webby love child," which seems perfectly apropos. Here's a little preview:


I also took a break from chronicling my post break up process because I needed to gain some distance from it all. I seem to have that now and feel like I can start gearing up in my life again. For a person who is decidedly sexual, I can go for periods where I'm rather asexual. But I think I just end up imploding on myself. It's not me in my most natural or exuberant state. It's me in suppression. When my libido is screeching, I'm usually in top form all around.

I'm going to attempt a friendship with my ex. I oscillate about it constantly but I'm going to see how we go. When I really accept that there are pieces of us that just aren't compatible, I can move beyond and accept the parts that are. No guy has ever been friends with me and tried not to fuck me though. I wish him luck.

I realized today that the most significant love relationships I've had have been with men who are outsiders. They do their own thing, they exist on the fringes of the cultural flow and in their self-made realities. It made me think about how I see myself that way. I've spent a long time shunning crowds and the all too human activity of um, socializing. I chipped away at a very large piece of armor today that I've worn for many years. It has prevented me from opening to life and people in ways that make everything more meaningful. I was keeping myself protected but cutting myself off at the same time. It was cathartic and a long time coming. I felt so sure about it today as I spoke to someone - sure about cleaning up the messes and hurts of the past and creating something instead which is about love and support. I let myself be vulnerable and expose what is probably my deepest wound thus far in this lifetime. Because when that wound happened, my whole world changed. And now, 13 years later, I'm changing it back.

It's funny. You know, there's a tempo you hit with people when you're both open. Something in the voice changes. It gets richer - it's infused with love. And when that's there, it's the only thing to hold onto. That tone, that depth and hearing it, whatever it takes to get there is the only journey worth taking.

Oh, and I have a twitter now. I thought it would be an interesting challenge to write these short 140 character sentences to bookmark parts of one's life. Like a haiku on the run. It's that, and it's a way to shout out to all sorts of people in abbreviated poetry - somewhat less intimidating than having entire conversations. I think the British take to it better though. They're all about the witty endnote, which I love.

I'm shy about these things so please introduce yourself there.

Much love,

K
xx

Photo: from our very cool fucking magazine about fucking.

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