Beautiful, depraved

Intimacy. Debauchery. Irreverence.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Timing is everything

Knowing when to leap. Knowing when to leave.

There's always a moment, in the beginning of getting to know someone, when I'm faced with diving in. I can feel myself perched, hesitating, knowing that I either have to take the risk and jump, or I stay back. It's not a moment that offers itself again, so it's foolish to think my decision in that moment doesn't matter. It matters a lot. In that moment, everything can change.

I seem to stay in relationships longer than when I know it's time to go. Not because I'm in love with the person anymore - I usually know I'm not. I am in love with the idea of joining my life with someone and creating something together. It's sad to think of letting go of all the effort that brought us that far and starting again. So I end up working toward an ideal, an illusion really.

I've seen it a few times now. There's always a huge cost on both ends for not taking advantage of the portal that presents itself and using its momentum to fly off into another world.

It's all about trust. Trusting that I can leap when it feels right and my intuition tells me to. That something, somewhere, will catch me.