Beautiful, depraved

Intimacy. Debauchery. Irreverence.

Friday, November 28, 2008


There's an axiom in the spiritual path I follow: freedom, or God-realization must be won anew every day. Unlike the Buddhists, who see enlightenment as a static, permanent destination, I (and obviously a few others) view it as something we have to struggle toward constantly . We can have it today and tomorrow we have to find it again. It's an equilibrium with an ever changing formula.

I slept about three hours last night. I was talking with (I'll call him) Mark (my ex-lover) and the conversation made me increasingly anxious. My body and mind were pulsing all night. And through the day. I had a big project I needed to finish so I just kept plugging away at it, intermittently sobbing at the computer, in my car and in-between conversations with my designer.

I spoke to a friend and she was talking about break-ups. Either I've deliberately chosen relationships where I'll feel less (which I have at times), or I've already been finished, or the reach of the person into my life was not so pervasive. In those cases, I seem to move on fairly quickly. My friend talked about how absolutely shitty break-ups are, how everyone avoids them because they're just so awful, often staying in relationships past their prime.

We talked about the trajectory of grief and the intense sobbing where I'm keeled over from the hurting. How I've been confusing the sense of loss with a desire to go back. She thinks like I do - it's worth inviting grief and letting it overtake her because generally it's a finite thing. There's only so much of it and the faster you get through, the faster you can move onto something else. Like joy.

I actually feel peaceful now. I've earned it though. It's been a hard day. I'm reaching out more to people, forcing myself to, because it's not something that comes naturally. I read something today about creating community in your life that witnesses and shares with you. I want more of that.