Beautiful, depraved

Intimacy. Debauchery. Irreverence.

Thursday, January 01, 2009

New beginnings

"Anything or anyone that doesn't bring you alive - is too small for you."

–David Whyte

While I'm not much of a new year partier (I tend to stay indoors and do my best to avoid drunk people), I do like the symbolism of a fresh start. I also believe in having the discipline to make changes throughout the year, but to cast a line now seems fitting.

I've been settling into my 'single-ness' and my emotional parts are settling into their own resting places. I feel optimistic and excited about the future. I'd have to say that I feel even more myself, a new blossoming or uncovering of self than I've felt in the past eight or so months in the relationship I was in. I'm feeling light and effervescent.

I was watching Belle de Jour - The Intimate Adventures of a London Call Girl. In the second season, Belle falls in love. She agonizes about if and when to tell her lover about her day/night job. Eventually he finds out and she ends up changing herself in different ways to become someone he'd feel comfortable with and wouldn't be threatened by. She starts shrinking. Even he notices that she's no longer the woman with the spark in her eye he first met.

The proclamation I'm making is to live bigger and spend time with people who appreciate and support my outrageousness. I've had the most fun in my life when I've been able to openly be who I am. I realize as I get older, that discretion keeps doors open, but really, I think it's important to find ways to be all of who we are and still make that work for us in our lives. Too much compartmentalization is fragmenting internally. It's a hard life to sustain and frankly it's also boring.

I've been appreciating the gifts and synchronicities of timing in life. It's an acceptance that although events in the moment can seem crushing and senseless, with time, I can see deeper meanings behind all of it.

In the process of me sharing more in this space, I've come to know some amazing people. I appreciate the words and thoughts of everyone who has taken the time to write. Your encouragement and support mean a lot. Thank you.

Image: source unknown.